Honor - When Choosing Yourself is a Struggle

First of all, hello Warriors!

Welcome to Wednesday, where everything can and will go wrong sometimes! This post is coming to you late, but the message is still crafted just for you! 

 

There has been a lot of discord on social media this week over sexual abuse awareness. I'm not here to give an opinion on the way people are choosing to describe abuse. Especially not as a creator who has been welcomed into Mark's company as a writer to help him uplift others. However, this is an excellent opportunity to introduce the DBT skill FAST, which is used for difficult conversations.

ATTENTION: you don't have to enter into these conversations at all. If you need help with boundaries for people who aren't respecting you, please feel free to read this article on more for cut-off family members and/or strained family members. 

 

The bottom line is that even if you love the person who is arguing with you, you don't owe them anything. It is completely acceptable to tell others you will not engage in that conversation, and it is completely acceptable to tell others you don't have to defend the validity of your abuse.

 

Please know we have a very supportive community. Mark is such a cheerleading warrior for others! That's why Heart is his favorite warrior. We are here to help you feel safe. 

 

That being said, this skill is also from the standpoint that those of us who have come from a lot of trauma also struggle to communicate effectively, so the skill is from the viewpoint of both individuals wanting to connect safely and healthily. It's easy for me to loose my cool, especially when I'm emotional. This skill helps me so much!

DBT Skill for Difficult Conversations

F.A.S.T. Cultivating Self Respect

Conversations are nerve-racking for neurodivergent people, especially those with people-pleasing issues! When we talk to others, especially a boss or family member who is older than we are, our resolve crumbles. Even worse, we constantly doubt and gaslight ourselves into thinking it’s our fault.

Fear not!

With a little bit of practice, this skill will help you.

FAIR: Consider both sides of the story, weighing needs equally. Don’t assume one side or the other is more valid. Just share your perspective assertively AND truly listen to theirs. Be open to a conversation or compromise that supports the whole. We often think of our next response while the other person is talking instead of validating their feelings or seeking understanding. Truly listen to what they are saying they need.

APOLOGIES: Don’t apologize unnecessarily to keep the peace. I know it’s incredibly hard for some of us to tolerate the potentially negative reactions of others, but it’s important to respect yourself enough to determine whether you have done something that needs an apology.

STICK TO YOUR VALUES: Know what you can and can’t compromise and then be confident. Don’t apologize. Stay confident and firm without giving into the need to gain their approval. Again, this one is so hard for people-pleasers but it’s important to understand your own needs.

TRUTH: Do not exaggerate, make excuses for your behavior, or lie. This includes manipulation. Hold yourself accountable when needed but separate your actions from theirs. You are not here to take the fall. A resolution should include both sides seeing how they can work differently in order to create a healthy environment for all.

I used to be that person that said sorry for being sorry. I cannot tell you enough how wonderful it feels to treat myself like a human with needs just like the people around me. You matter. If this is too hard to grasp, you write it on a sticky note, put it somewhere you’ll see it every day, and then say it. Every time you see it, say it. Your mind can’t rewire or learn if it never considers a different way of thinking.

You matter.
You matter.
You matter.

-Tiff